Baby Subs – A Rant on Pets as Baby Substitutes

In my mid-late twenties, stocks of friends available for socialising began to drop off as people got ‘loved up’ and moved in together. Having reached my thirties, it’s inevitable that the majority of friends, family and even acquaintances of my own age are now also ‘babied up.’ My wife and I are yet to take the plunge into the abyss of soiled nappies and endless nights of begrudged consciousness tending to the wailing crescendo of tortuous child-cry. A few other couples we know are also abstaining from parenthood, claiming to despise the idea of having kids.  Yet at least one person in each couple have one thing in common; baby substitutes. Are these people really conscientious baby-objectors, making an informed decision to remain childless or do they need to adjust their lives, attitudes or indeed, partners to enable them to have real babies? In short, do they just need to man or woman up?

Cooing over an animal which has long ceased being a puppy or kitten yet which childless people insist on referring to as ‘baby’ and one another as its ‘mummy and daddy,’ or worse still, saying such things in front of other human company is hideous. Most vile of all, said human visitors unfortunate enough to be referred to as ‘auntie x and uncle y’ is quite frankly, vomit-inducing. Nothing these animals do is wrong in their eyes, either. Phrases such as; ‘Oh bless, she’s just pee’d on the carpet, mummy’ll have to clean that up now, won’t she?’ and ‘Ooh look daddy, he’s rubbing his bum on the carpet,’ might be heard. But that was my carpet: don’t just laugh and walk away, it was my carpet, dammit! It had to be professionally cleaned, care to foot the bill!??

These animals don’t tend to be what you could class as ‘cute’ or ‘normal’ examples of the canine or feline world, either. They are generally fat, ugly, volatile cats or weird breeds of dogs which drool all over the place and have faces which resemble Sid James after having sucked a lemon, God rest him. Although these animals are their ‘babies,’ I can’t help thinking that, despite protestations to the contrary, these couples do want children – or perhaps, the main perpetrator of such stomach-churning devotion to these beasties is the half of the couple most broody, most in need of parenthood in the relationship. If that’s the case, surely it’s time for the ‘we need to talk’ conversation? I may be wrong of course. It could simply be that, like my wife and I, they are holding off parenthood until content in careers, are homeowners and have some cash in the bank. Granted, there is no perfect time to have children, but trying to make life easier for when they arrive can’t hurt, surely? Being broody doesn’t give these people the right to inflict such gross, misguided and disgusting behaviour on others!

Although my wife and I want children, I can honestly say we have no baby substitutes. Sure, we act soppy and childish towards one another behind closed doors, but wouldn’t dream of inflicting it on the rest of the world. I have a classic sports car which I lovingly restored and dote on as much as my pocket will allow, and although she has a name, she most certainly isn’t ‘my baby.’ I get great pleasure driving Hilary and my enthusiastic driving is matched to her high performance – I don’t stop grinning from the moment I turn the ignition key and hear that first deep rumble from the exhaust until long after I’ve parked up. I am a better person to be around after I’ve been out for a drive in her. But this will end. When I have children I know it is likely that something more practical will be required and it’ll be ‘bye-bye Hilary, thanks for the memories.’ So I’m enjoying the freedom lack of children affords before it’s too late and I must wait twenty-odd years for the next opportunity. Last thing I want is to constantly be cleaning up piss and shit and wiping backsides for animals which can’t clean themselves; I know there’ll be plenty of that to come one day!

Baby subs and associated behaviour would be more acceptable if it were only couples who simply cannot have children, having no choice in the matter. But only just – even then, nobody else needs to witness it! Harsh as it may sound, unless it’s a mutual, informed decision to wait to have children or not to have any at all, then talk to your partner. If they don’t want a family, then maybe it’s time to sack them, move on and find someone who does, no?